"Yes, Yes! Let the hate flow through you Princess! Hate this world, hate humans, hates everything that exists…hates ME!"
-Sir Isaac Ray Peram Westcott, Date A Live
Here’s a bit of semi-official back story or “lore” for the video game that we are currently developing, Reptile Zoo: The Sinister Mutation. The text below should be read as sort of a parody of a brochure or website or other piece of promotional material for the fictional “Reptile Zoo” that is featured in the game. The game itself will be straight horror, but I decided to make this text somewhat darkly humorous as well as disturbing, because I enjoy that kind of writing and it’s in keeping with Twisted Jenius’s style to inject a bit of fun into these things. I’m also including a couple of new screen shots below, in order to keep you updated on our progress. Let us know what you think!
Welcome to Reptile Zoo!
Come let your blood run cold at Reptile Zoo, recently voted Texas’ 183rd must-see attraction by an unspecified Internet publication!
What would become Reptile Zoo originally began in 1933 when traveling showman W.C. “Bill” Bevan arrived in town and began displaying recently caught rattlesnakes to the general public, thrilling old and young alike with his family attraction of venomous serpents housed in a quickly constructed and ultimately unstable structure made of wood planks, barbed wire, and old sheet metal. Many children were killed.
Seeking to create a better established place of business, Bevan petitioned the city for financial help in creating his visionary idea for a permanent “Reptile Farm”. The Reptile Farm proposal was quickly dismissed by city officials, but was later approved under the new name of “The Reptile Garden and Research Bureau”. The city donated an abandoned rock quarry to the project, which had been permanently evacuated years earlier due to mass mercury contamination. The substance can still be found on the site to this day.
Prison labor was used to construct the stone structures and paddocks out of the natural building materials left behind from the quarry, and many of these original buildings and walls still grace the grounds of Reptile Zoo. Mayor Brackenridge hailed the Reptile Garden to be an astounding success. Cited as being the first such facility in the United States, within a week it had paid for itself in attendance revenue, having made back the $15 investment, along with the free convict labor and free materials that the city had put into it. The Garden single-handedly sustained the entire region through tourist dollars, until the end of the Depression.
In 1938, Joe “Butcher of Elmendorf” Ball was accused of killing over twenty people and feeding their remains to the alligators that he kept in a pit behind his saloon. When the sheriff’s deputies came to his business to question him, he shot himself in the head and therefore was unavailable for comment. However, his man-eating alligators were eventually shipped off to the next county and lived out the rest of their lives as residents of the Reptile Zoo. The descendants of Ball’s hungry pets can still be seen in our exhibits.
After the war, the zoo got an even greater influx of new animals including turtles and exotic lizards. Many were donated from various organizations and law enforcement agencies who didn’t know what else to do with them. Among these were a group of rabid iguanas carrying a new strain of the Kothoga virus, which were confiscated after being illegally smuggled in a banana crate from South America.
In the early 1970s, newly formed DARPA was engaged in genetically modifying jungle vipers to sniff out and attack enemy guerrillas hiding in tropical environments. The snakes proved too unpredictable and too lethal to use in any sort of practical military situation and so the remaining batches of these deadly “ultra-snakes” were remanded to Reptile Zoo, where they became a permanent part of the collection. It was also around this time that the park officially changed its name to Reptile Zoo.
In 1981, then owner George Kimbrell retired and sold the facility to a shadowy investment firm who would prefer to remain anonymous. It was four years later, in 1985, that the latest renovations to some of the buildings in the park were completed.
We are proud to say that Reptile Zoo currently houses one of the most unique collections of creatures in the world, thanks in no small part to various genetic experiments, generations of inbreeding and dubious levels of mercury in the water. Not only do our animals defy the laws of god and nature, but also several state and federal ones as well.
We continue to confidently move forward, always working to uphold our animal collection’s founding motto- “if it dies, just buy a new one”, as we precariously straddle the line between reputable zoological organization and roadside carnival freak show. And while much of the facility may have fallen into disrepair during the last several decades, we are still “technically” open for business and our small, underpaid but committed staff of “professionals” work diligently to ensure the public’s safety by keeping all of the various monstrosities from leaving the grounds and running amok on an unsuspecting world. But they could sure use your help. So why not reward their efforts by stopping by and perhaps even donating a little bit or buying a souvenir t-shirt; thus keeping the doors open and the lights on for another day.
It’s educational fun for the whole family and we’re conveniently located on an undisclosed back road of the Lone Star State. So come on down to Reptile Zoo and see what all the screamin’s about!
Join the movement to ban Valhalla by Ari Bach! A novel is nothing these days until it’s been banned from at least one school, library or book club. Harry Potter has been banned for perceived satanism, Looking For Alaska for sex and language, Hunger Games for violence. Valhalla has all of these and more and dang it, it deserves a ban. Please help send Valhalla to the ranks of the forbidden and write your local hate groups, PTAs and other moral policing organizations!
- 34 fucks, 24 shits, 11 craps and 5 bitches!
- A frequent masturbator, common nudity and an instance of sex!
- Countless acts of bloody violence!
- Lesbian main characters! Warn your local homophobe!
- Even more instances of gory violence!
- A joke about balls!
- Violence using bombs, knives, microwave guns and a walrus!
- A guy who does drugs!
- A surgically modified drill penis!
- Numerous occult references!
- A torture scene!
- Casual blasphemy!
- Philosophy of a grievously deviant nature!
Come on people, if they can ban Where’s Waldo for nudity, if they can ban James and the Giant Peach for the word “ass,” if they can ban Captain Underpants and Lord of the Flies for being age inappropriate, If they can ban Bridge to Terabithia and The Golden Compass for being anti-religious, if they can ban The Giver and The Most Dangerous Game for violence, damn it if they can ban Anne Frank for being bisexual then by God we can ban Valhalla!
Valhalla by Ari Bach: BAN THIS BOOK!
NO HOW ABOUT WE DONT FUCKING BAN BOOKS WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
Don’t be angry at the ban.
Bans are just nature’s way of selecting a book for “controversy,” the process by which books reproduce. In the wild, when a book matures and is ready to become a phenomenon, censors will approach the book in its natural habitats, the school or library, and proceed to “Ban” it.
This “Banning” process signals flocks of “Readers” and lets them know the book contains objectionable material. Readers thrive on objectionable material, it’s their natural resource for protein and thoughts. So once banned, readers will swarm to the book and this is important because like a flower needs bees to become pollinated, a book needs readers to spread.
So once banned and swarmed with readers, the book releases its literature genome across the land as readers depart to tell each other about the controversy. This attracts more and more readers until the book becomes popular.
Now, bans have a negative connotation because during the banning process, the book traditionally becomes unavailable for reading. This is an outmoded tradition. In modern times, books rarely become unavailable. eBooks cannot be prohibited so easily, and if one school or library bans the book, it’s always available from others, or it can be found in the Amazon bookforest. In fact today, a banned book reaps only the beneficial components of the controversy without ever becoming tangibly prohibited.
So yes, we must ban Valhalla. Valhalla has been out for months now and it’s getting lonely. It needs readers to spawn, or it will die. So I call out to censors, conservatives, indignant parents, and ignorant antliterates to ban this book that it may live a full and rewarding life.
And if anyone seeing this should be a “Reader” themselves, I encourage them to spread word, ban or no ban, to other readers; and to read Valhalla as soon as possible.
There are two chapters online for free under “Look Inside” right here.
The processes by which nature uses to replenish itself and continue on, are truly beautiful and miraculous.
"We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses."
-Evil Giant Brain, “Futurama”
This month marks the 8th anniversary of TwistedJenius.com! It’s October and evil is in the air…
#BanValhalla because it contains dark humor. Dark comedy is too complex a genre for decent people to handle. It’s confusing and disturbing and attempts to make light of things that are supposed to be terrible. How are we to keep our morals straight if we aren’t utterly repulsed by terrible things and allowed to laugh at them? How will we know what to be horrified by and what to deem acceptable?
We can’t allow our children or anyone else to think that dark and wicked things are fun or can be approached with anything but disdain. Such mixing of light and dark emotions will only lead to the corruption of our innocent youth. Allowing such darkness into our schools, our libraries and our bookstores is unacceptable. Ban this terrible tome and help maintain the necessary segregation between good and evil in our society!
For far too long has the Devil been the scapegoat for the irresponsibility of man. Mike Carey’s comic masterfully portrays Lucifer as the gentleman he is, observing humans suffering their own tiny lives and dramas, with no interest in the souls they wish to sell. The challenge will be whether the…